A Prayer Breakthrough

12:34 PM

It has been a rough week emotionally. I have felt defeated, frustrated, anxious, panicky. Emotions that come and go every now and then. Lots is going on this month and I can hardly believe saying it, BUT I'M GETTING MARRIED! 

Never thought this day would come. Really I didn't. I don't know if it was my lack of faith or just thinking that nobody really would want me. God changed that for me and brought a man to my life that I needed. Someone who balances me out, challenges me, and keeps me on my toes. Spiritually challenges me in more ways than one. Makes me think. I also have been proving to be a good match for him too. Even my flaws. 

With marriage comes work in the preparation of it. SO much to do and think about. SO MUCH to plan for. Till you're engaged, you think getting married is all a dreamy fairytale till you realize how much work is involved in organizing, planning, creating, etc for months all for ONE DAY. Wow...

More importantly than that though you must also grow, prepare, organize, and plan your spiritual life to be joined with another person. It is not easy and that part can be the most painful as you learn more about
yourself through someone who is getting so close to you. OUCH.

Forget about waltzing into a marriage the way you are. If you're following Christ, HE WILL mess with all of that and change you as you let Him. One of these ways can be your own personal walks. To be in the center of God's will means sacrifice. 

It means a refocusing of how you see marriage and life as having a  purpose. It's enjoyable yes, it's a blessing yes, but when this culture defines marriage in these new ways of I guess you could say "control over one's own life", it leaves little room for God to do His thing in families and bring about HIS purpose in that one family. I am rambling my thoughts...

All this growth and change brings me to a subject that is painful and reminiscently attached to memories I'd like to forget, but are in reality there. PRAYER. I know the kind of future God is bringing me to, the kind of lifestyle He is calling me to live, one that He is proving over and over is supposed to be my future, 
it's going to require a heck of a lot of it to even survive and withstand what His will is going to require. 

He paired me with someone that requires a whole lot of it when He knows it's my area of weakness. 

God works in mysterious ways for ultimate purpose. I look around and see couples that are going to have probably not as challenging of a time in their marriages or don't. 

Yet, my life has and I guess is created to be vastly different.. Probably because He wants to do some unusually big things with me and I see that...As a couple handpicked by God He has big plans. 

They may even be for our children or their children or their children, but if my disobedience delays those plans, what blessings would I or them be missing out on? Just something I've been thinking about lately...thanks to God speaking to my incredible husband to be on a subject where God has given him keen insight into my struggles. Scary stuff when God is equipping your significant other to be the best husband to you. It's not all fantastic because that's when your dirty laundry gets exposed. :|

For some, prayer is easy, for some, it is not. I fall into the latter. My pastor taught a sermon this Sunday on Thanksgiving and how we should be thankful in our prayers. It made me think...what if...I started to breakthrough this prayer barrier with giving thanks. Much like the Psalms do as an example. Something else my pastor said is that if we don't share what God has done in our lives in forms of thanksgiving so many are not going to see and know the power of God in a Christian's life. 

One who builds relationship with Him. I'm truly blown away, and I really shouldn't be, but I am with how gentle God is with me. I grew up in harsh, rough circumstances and yet God teaches me and instructs me in that opposite spirit which completely draws me in deeper. 

He is so kind when he is teaching me something and I can attest that something which is normally painful in my life God has chosen to ease that pain for me so that I can specifically see how much God wants to take care of me, bless me, and ease my pain in body and spirit. I don't doubt that is what He's doing as he gently nudges this struggle in my direction and says, "It's time to tackle THIS." 

I feel that I have been under attack  physically in a harmful way at the same time God has been addressing this issue in my life. Of course! The last thing Satan wants is for me to suddenly have a breakthrough of surrender in faith, confidence, and trust in my God. 

Laying my fears and insecurities down one by one at the foot of the cross. He cringes and I can attest that he is cringing as I write this because I woke up barely able to open my eyes this morning after plenty of hours of sleep. 

Like they were almost glued shut, but I was determined to finish this post from yesterday and to start my morning off fighting. This is an unusual post and I haven't written in a very long time, but I want to share what incredibly beautiful thing God is doing to turn this mess into a masterpiece. It's long, but please bear with me and be encouraged as I share a testimony of thanks in prayer form for all the things God has been doing and has done during my relationship with Jason Samuel. A true Godsend.

A Prayer of Thanks

Lord, it's Bekah here. I know you've been on me for years about this issue of prayer. I know you see the struggle and pain I feel through the mention of it. I know that you understand why it's difficult for me and why I doubt it so, but I want that to change and here is an offering of thanks for the relationship you have brought to me to help me break through these years of barriers. 

I thank you God for bringing Jason into my life. 

At first I was so fearful, so uncertain, and frankly he was not meeting the ticket, requirements, or list I thought for sure you would honor. Funny thing, is You did honor that list, but not in the way I wanted or saw fit, but the way You knew I needed.   

Thank you for giving me courage and bringing peace to my heart as I wrestled with the facing of a military lifestyle in entering a relationship with him. Military, I never wanted, but it has been a good match for my personality and you have been preparing me for such a time as this. 

Thank you for breaking through the headaches and barriers of relationships in my life. Teaching me to stand strong on my own two feet with You as my guide. To make decisions on my own guided by the Holy Spirit. 

It's been a difficult year for friendships, but You have guided me to the ones that would be beneficial to me and are teaching me how to lovingly handle the ones that you are pulling me away from that are affected. This is something that I would that you'd continue to help me with.

Thank you for forming new friendships and bonds that seemed to never be possible. The storms were getting so escalated that it looked like there would never be peace, but You specifically reminded me three times this past year in the same week that the storms will come, but that You will always be right there with me and that you are working through the most violent of storms, demonstrated through Matthew 14:22-33.

Thank you for speaking to both Jason and my heart in the times we are at odds with each other. You are always speaking to both of us through your Holy Spirit, which brings us to peace with each other and sharpens each other as we grow in our friendship and love.

Thank you for teaching us how to love each other and guiding us to focus on each other's love languages. We have been learning and growing in what love is, what it looks like, and You continually work with each of us in ways that are miraculous to set up foundations that will keep us in the times where we feel like we're drowning or that we could never overcome. Those foundations will transcend time and defeat the enemy because You are center of this all.

Thank you for bringing so many couples our age or younger in our lives that we have been able to pass along what you have been teaching us. Thank you for choosing us to be an example to so many who have found themselves in similar situations or against walls of similar nature and using us in their lives. That's pretty awesome...

Thank you for bringing key people into our life to help us through a long distance relationship. I didn't

want long distance, but you gave me peace about it and prepared my heart for it. So many have said they could never do it, and I know on my own I could never do it. You have sustained us. You have brought us a very good counselor who we have been able to relate to well and I'm thankful for all you are teaching us through him.

Thank you for arranging long term almost full month visits and providing a job for Jason while he's able to be here! That was so unexpected and when I think back on it, an opportunity that not many long distance couples get to have. You knew how important it was for us to keep moving forward and to connect in a way that would keep us going.

You provided a place for him to stay for both months and every other day that he has been here. Through a family that you lead me to meet at a daycare that I didn't feel I was fitting well into. You used it and every step I have ever taken and every place I have ever been has been your guidance. It's unmistakeable.

Thank you for the two jobs you gave Jason and the elevated positions you continue to give him at his school. Jobs that have aided in making a long distance relationship work and happen. It costs money and you've provided every time. Thank you for all the many jobs, skills, and experiences you have given me. Whenever one job drops, another would fall in its place. That is not a coincidence.

I know You have done that every time, yet I very slowly learn to trust you in my finances. But you are helping me. You are helping me let go and showing me this way and in so many other ways this past year and this year how you will always provide and that my efforts only go so far. It's your blessing that sustains me.

Thank you for using Jason in my life to teach me grace. For leading me to a church that emphasizes grace in its doctrine. For using a Lutheran church of all places to pull me from a spiritual rut and revive me again. To teach me aspects of the Gospel that I just didn't understand. 

To reverse patterns of thinking, old habits, and even debunk lies I've believed all my life. To opening my
eyes to the Word in a way where it feels scales have been removed! You have been growing me spiritually so quickly this past year and this year. 

Teaching me gently and not harshly, guiding me into the ways of grace and mercy and realizing what the blood of Jesus and forgiveness is really about. 

Pulling me from the mindset of performance, good behavior, good works=salvation. I would never have said I believed that but all my efforts to be good and strive to be good really were only stressing me out. 

I needed to know so badly that you loved me even when I messed up. I needed to believe that my salvation is not contingent on my excellent behavior, but that your grace covers me, your love is sweet towards me EVEN when I am acting up. To see that you had to hit me over the head with blessing and love and mercy and grace when I KNEW I was struggling in certain sins. In the very act of them. 

It's overwhelming and makes me cry every time I think about it. It makes me want to serve You more and it drives me to my knees to want to have that deep relationship with You. Not some half hearted relationship, but one that is active, living, breathing, engaging. To want to see more of what you desire to do in my life. 

Thank you for giving Jason such confidence in wanting to marry me. For giving Him green lights, for teaching Him to hear your voice through the Holy Spirit, and that He is an obedient and willing vessel for Your will. I couldn't ask for a better man than that. Thank you for a man who tells me all the time how beautiful I am. Who tells me things that I don't believe myself to be most of the time. 

Please work on those things with me as well. I'm tired of not seeing myself as others see me and wondering why I can't just get with the program in that area. Low self esteem is one of those things that Satan uses against me all the time. Please protect me from his constant attacks.

Thank you for a man who loves you and in turn wants and desires to love me in the way you love your

church. Not that he will always be perfect in loving me, but he sure puts forth the efforts to love me the best he is humanly able to do. He forgives quickly, he asks for forgiveness, he's quick to apologize. 

All those things I do not take lightly and I see your grace in how he handles me and my stuff too. You have taught us both that love is a choice and not a feeling. That the feeling comes from making that choice. 

Finally, and I'm sure there are more things I have forgotten that are important, but thank you thank you for providing for me in preparation for a wedding that I have very little to work with. 

For bringing help, supplies, leading me to really great deals, providing people, services, and setting up some unusual things that are overwhelming blessings to the contribution of our wedding. 

Providing a church, a reception area that go even under budget, for providing attendants whose friendships have been developing over the years,  as well as many other things that you continue to do.  
Thank you for getting Jason through several years of school and guiding him in his career pursuits. Please help him to work diligently,  finish well, and keep serving You through it all. 

Thank you for  teaching me to rely on you for EVERYTHING and to trust you in EVERYTHING. Protect me from the enemy who seeks to destroy my joy and my confidence in You. 

Amen

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10 comments
Rebekah Samuel

AUtistic. 🧠 Artist. 👩🏻‍🎨 Author. ✍🏼 Life-Coach. 👊🏼 Techy. 🤓

I speak on faith, the military life, social issues, politics, ASD, mental health, and God's Word.
🔍 I am helping people heal through my writing, life coaching, and counseling. Check out my new book "Letters of Love"! ♥️

IF YOU WANT TO HELP SUPPORT ME IN MY WRITING, RESOURCES, AND MINISTRY,
PLEASE CONSIDER GIVING A LOVE OFFERING. THIS HELPS ME CONTINUE TO DO THE WORK I AM DOING.


Comments

  1. It's great to read this post and read how happy you are and that God has been working is such a powerful way in your life! Congratulations on your graduation!!! :D

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    1. Yes he has! I think I will revive this post for our 1 year anniversary. It will be such a testimony of God's faithfulness!

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  2. Sorry, don't know why I said graduation, I meant *engagement*! haha I suppose in a way it is a graduation though.

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  3. Rebekah this really touched me today. So many of these things are things I've been going through and struggling with as well. Particularly your thoughts on low self esteem, and on working towards marriage. Such a huge struggle but also such a huge blessing if we let it be! Thank you thank you for sharing. I'll be continuing to pray for you and for Jason as you grow closer together and closer to Him.

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    1. So much has changed since you commented on this. I finally figured out how to set my comments to be able to reply to comments where you can be notified! Sorry about that! I'm glad it encouraged you. Watching YOUR relationship is an inspiration to me! :)

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  4. I think I need to save this post as a favorite so that I can come back from time to time and read it again. Your experiences are such a testimony to God's strength! I was encouraged reading this and I can genuinely say that from the very depth.
    May God continue to provide you strength to follow Him.

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    1. Thank you Amanda! I'm so glad my writing is touching people. :) Sorry it's been so long that I replied. I finally figured out how to set this to reply to comment! :D

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  5. Beautiful. I have loved watching all this unfold. May He continue to strengthen and prepare you! Hugs!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Michelle! I finally figured out how to reply to comments so people will be notified!

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